


All Too Well

by morganofthewildfire



Category: Throne of Glass Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst and Fluff, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Death, F/M, Panic Attacks, based off a Taylor Swift song
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2020-11-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:47:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 18,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27724366
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/morganofthewildfire/pseuds/morganofthewildfire
Summary: So this is a oneshot I’ve been working on for about a month now.  It’s based on the Taylor Swift song All Too Well, although it’s kind of spiraled into something a little new.
Relationships: Aedion Ashryver/Lysandra, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien & Rowan Whitethorn, Aelin Ashryver Galathynius | Celaena Sardothien/Rowan Whitethorn, Elide Lochan/Lorcan Salvaterre
Comments: 18
Kudos: 46





	All Too Well

**Author's Note:**

> I’m kind of nervous about sharing this with you guys because I’ve worked on it really hard and it’s scary to post something that I’ve put so much of myself into. But here we go. I hope you enjoy!

It was strange being back in Doranelle, Aelin decided. And not the good kind of strange, the kind that broke up the monotony, reintroducing you to nostalgic childhood memories. No. This was the bad kind of strange, the kind that ate away at your soul, making you feel isolated and unwanted in a place that used to feel like home. Used to  _ be  _ home.

And Aelin Galathynius certainly didn’t feel like she belonged anymore. She’d moved on from these brick paved streets, the tiny main strip of stores, the close knit community that constantly breathed down your neck.

The black dress in her suitcase was fit for more than its intended purpose it seemed: for the funeral she was attending, and for the death of her heart as she trudged through the setting of her worst memories.

Aelin sighed and pushed her hair back from her face as she waited outside the train station for her taxi. The one taxi in town, apparently. 

She would walk, but it was too far to really be feasible, and she knew her cousin would flip out. But she was contemplating ignoring him as she stood there, no end to her wait in sight.

Normally, Doranelle would be humid, making her sweat on a  _ good  _ day, but it was late fall now, so the temperature had cooled down, leading to more wind and chilly nights instead of hot, thick air pressing down on her.

Either way, it was uncomfortable being outside for too long.

When a ratty old truck pulled up to the sidewalk instead of a yellow sedan, she hesitated, thinking about walking back inside to avoid whoever this creep probably was.

But when the window rolled down and she made eye contact with the person inside, she stood her ground, clenching her jaw. 

Because Rowan Whitethorn sat behind the wheel, Rowan  _ fucking  _ Whitethorn, glancing at her awkwardly before sighing and rubbing a hand down his face. The face that she least wanted to see.

“Aedion sent me to pick you up,” he said in his deep, mature voice, so at odds with the teenager she had known. Six years had treated him well. He had filled out more, less gangly and more muscular, and he had cut his hair shorter than the shaggier look he had gone for in high school. But his eyes remained the same. The piercing dark green that she had once found dreamy and now found painful.

Aelin stayed put, unwilling to be in that close of proximity to him.

“Why couldn’t he come get me? Or why not just let me take a taxi?” She said, stubborn to no end.

Rowan just reached over and opened the passenger side door for her, responding with “Aedion’s with Lysandra at her sixteen week scan, and Fenrys said he saw the taxi with a flat tire down on 2nd street,” he saw her expression and cut her off, “and before you ask, Fenrys can’t come get you either, he’s working a double shift at the bar today.”

Aelin huffed a breath, thinking of a few other people who could maybe help, but she eventually just gave up and walked toward the car, mentally preparing herself for what was going to be a horribly awkward hour drive to town. 

Yep. Doranelle was so small they shared a train station with the nearest city over, Wendlyn, which meant a car was necessary to even get to another mode of transportation, which defeated the whole purpose in her opinion.

It was a different world from Rifthold, practically a completely different universe, and she wasn’t happy to be back.

Rowan fiddled with the radio as she climbed up into the truck, sitting her suitcase at her feet and shutting the door behind her.

The music crackled as it switched stations, trying to catch the little reception it could. Cliche country music switched to swing jazz, which switched to classical, which switched to golden oldies and then top ten hits, almost as if he was fidgeting with the dial as a nervous tick, or to have something to do besides sit there in silence with her. The one that got away. The one he  _ pushed _ away.

But he settled on golden oldies as he put the car in drive and left the station’s parking lot, and Aelin watched in the rear view mirror as her only form of escape disappeared, leaving her at the mercy of the past.

She should be over it by now. A heartbreak shouldn’t haunt you over half a decade later. But when it was your first love, your first kiss, your first  _ everything,  _ letting go tended to be harder than it needed to be.

Aelin leaned against the window, watching the trees go by. Rowan was looking straight out the windshield, as if forcing his eyes to stay on the road and not drift elsewhere. 

It was hard to relax with his presence a few feet away, simultaneously comforting her and setting her on edge, but eventually, tired from the long train ride and the on and off crying for days, she drifted off.

~~~~

_ 8 years earlier / Age 16 _

_ “Rowan!” She giggled playfully, “you have to keep your eyes on the road!” Rowan shot his eyes back to the front of the car, acting like they’d been there the whole time, but a small smile curled at his lips. _

_ He had picked her up from the train station in Wendlyn, having visited her great uncles in Orynth, and he was spending half the drive home staring at her instead of watching where he was going, much to her chagrin. _

_ “You just got your license, you can't drive like a lunatic,” she scolded, no real heat behind her words. He just scoffed and reached over to twirl a strand of her golden hair around his finger, playing with it and making her shiver. _

_ “It’s not my fault I have the most gorgeous girl in the world in the seat next to me,” he leaned over and whispered into her ear, making goosebumps form on her skin. That wasn’t fair, they were driving. _

_ She shoved him off of her and crossed her arms, raising her eyebrows and glaring.  _

_ “While I appreciate the compliment, I’d rather not die, so just ignore my stunning presence until we get back home,” she tried to sound serious but she ended up laughing as Rowan scoffed. _

_ “I don’t think I can,” he said, brushing a kiss to her temple. She melted into the kiss, keeping  _ her  _ eyes on the road to make sure he wasn’t swerving into a different lane or… _

_ “Rowan!!” She shouted, and he shot his attention to what she was looking at, slamming the breaks and swearing as he landed right at the lines of the intersection. The intersection with the very red light that he had almost driven through. _

_ They sat there for a minute, catching their breaths, but then Aelin was cackling. Laughing wildly at the dumbfounded expression on his face and the satisfaction of being right. _

_ She said as much to him and he flicked her on the nose, almost missing because of his now preoccupied eyes, dead set on watching the road. _

_ “Don’t distract me,” he said, “I have to pay attention.” It was Aelin’s turn to scoff, but she couldn’t hide the broad smile on her face. Gods, she loved him. _

~~~~

“We’re here.”

Aelin jerked her head up, vision coming back into focus as she rubbed the sleep out of her eyes. She found herself staring at her childhood home, the front lawn less manicured than before and only a few lights on inside, but her old home nonetheless.

She knew Aedion lived here still, with Lysandra now, the deed having passed down to him, and his car was in the driveway, meaning he was home from the appointment.

A glance to the side had her seeing Rowan looking at the house too, a closed off expression on his face. He had been to this house on many occasions. And was likely just as sad as her about the loss of one of its occupants.

But he didn’t say anything as she opened the door, grabbing her suitcase and stepping out into the wind chilled air again. Didn’t say a goodbye, didn’t offer any explanation, didn’t say if they’d see each other again before the funeral. And it surprised her that she felt the longing to, her heart still stuck on the setting of wanting to be around him, not caught up to the knowledge that he didn’t want to be around  _ her _ .

Aelin hesitated for a second, opening her mouth, unsure of what to say, but she just shut the car door and walked up to the house, leaving him behind.

She took a deep breath as she approached the light blue front door, knocking on it quickly and stepping back, trying to avoid slipping on the uneven paving.

Aedion answered quickly and although he smiled in greeting, she could see the grief and exhaustion in his eyes. The same expression mirrored in her own, in everyone’s around here.

“Hey cousin,” he said with a tired smile, and she rushed into his embrace, comforting him and comforting herself. Despite living in Rifthold, she saw Aedion quite a bit, as he traveled a fair amount for work, and stopped in Rifthold as often as he could. It had been a few months though, due to how hectic everything had been lately.

But he was still a constant, and she would never treat him like anything less than one of the most important people in her life.

Lysandra appeared in the doorframe behind Aedion, and Aelin quickly switched gears, rushing toward her instead. Lysandra had been her best friend in middle school and high school, and they still kept in contact as much as her and Aedion.

Aelin credited their relationship to herself, even though they would’ve met regardless, and one of the happiest days of her life was when they had gotten engaged, as well as when they announced to her that Lys was pregnant. 

She was going to be an aunt and she couldn’t wait. Well, technically not a blood aunt because she and Aedion weren’t siblings, but they were raised like they were when she moved in after her parents died, so the sentiments were the same. And despite him being a year older, he was in her friend group, so they spent a lot of time together.

Every so often she was hit with the knowledge that she wasn’t going to be around everyday to see them, wasn’t going to be a constant presence in their child’s life, instead just the aunt that visited every so often, touting gifts in exchange for affection.

It was almost enough to make her consider moving back to Doranelle, but no, she’d made her choice and she now had her own life outside of this bubble.

After exchanging pleasantries and short catch ups on their lives, they traveled inside to the warmth of the living room.

There was the gray couch she’d jumped on as a kid, the corner by the TV where they’d set the Christmas tree every year, the blue fluffy rug she’d lay on for hours with her dog Fleetfoot.

Fleetfoot had passed a few years ago too, another of her loved ones leaving her behind.

If the circumstances weren’t as they were, Aelin would’ve already been yelling at Aedion about having Rowan pick her up, but she decided to spare him the lecture that he had probably already been telling himself.

Aedion hadn’t been a fan of his when they broke up, trying to soothe her broken heart and threatening to go pummel him, but apparently they had made up in the years she’d been gone.

But Lysandra wasn’t as merciful.

“Aelin, I’m so sorry about your drive in,” she said, shooting Aedion a glare, “by the time  _ this  _ one told me what time you were getting in it was too late to change the appointment time.” 

Aelin just shrugged, deflecting the concern.

“It was honestly fine, I just slept the whole way.” Lysandra looked unconvinced, but when Aelin chuckled at herself she relaxed and smiled a little bit.

But Aelin soon found herself zoning out and only half paying attention to Lysandra’s attempts to lighten the mood in the room by talking about unimportant things like their plan for the nursery, the new bakery that just opened up, an old acquaintance from high school who just got married. She appreciated the effort, but she knew both her and Aedion were not really in that mindset, too distracted by the reason for her visit in the first place.

It was that thought that drove her mind into overdrive, sending her spiraling down, like she was so used to doing by now. Her head liked to work against her, a pattern she’d picked up on in the last few years. It wasn’t a new development, it was something that had plagued her as a teenager too, but her new perspective on life made her realize what had actually been happening.

“Aelin?” Lysandra’s voice called her back to the present. She focused back in on the room, eyes finding her friend.

“Yeah?” She asked, not even trying to pretend that she had been listening. Lysandra wouldn’t be mad, it was a hard time for all of them. Lys just looked at her cautiously before continuing.

“I was asking if you wanted to go with us to dinner tonight. The whole gang is meeting up,” she said, and Aelin pursed her lips, considering. She would like to see her old friends again, not in touch with them nearly as much as she was with Aedion and Lysandra, but there was the elephant in the room. Or the person in the room in this case. 

Rowan.

Would Rowan be there? Because that would definitely make her lean toward staying home. 

Lys saw the question in her eyes and nodded slightly.

“Rowan’s coming,” she said, “he decided the other day.”

Aelin bit the inside of her cheek, a bad habit she needed to break, but just the little, concrete feeling of pain grounded her, kept her from floating into the abyss that was her anxiety.

“But you don’t have to talk to him,” Lys continued, “and I know everyone would love to see you.” Aedion made a noise of agreement.

“When they knew you were coming into town they all badgered us to set up something like this,” he added from his spot in the armchair next to them. 

But while the words were meant to cheer her up, they just made her frown. Yes she was in town, but for all of the wrong reasons. Didn’t anybody realize that? Didn’t anybody think about that? Didn’t anybody see how fucking close she was to falling apart, her composure hanging on by a thread that was seconds away from snapping, as if pulled too taut? 

And then her hands started shaking, which made her face crumble more. Shakiness was always the first sign of an oncoming episode, and if she didn’t get it under control now she actually was going to fall apart.

“Excuse me,” she muttered, walking quickly into the kitchen. Aedion looked concerned, knowing what was going on. He was the only one who really knew the real extent of her troubles. Well, him and one other person.

But thinking about that would just make things worse.

~~~~~

_ 7 years earlier / Age 17 _

_ Aelin shot up in bed, glancing around the room wildly, looking for the cause of her distress. Her breaths came in short pants, vision blurring as tears started spilling down her face. Her hands shook like crazy and she fell back down because her weak arms couldn’t support her weight.  _

_ She didn’t even know what the matter was, didn’t know what nightmare had set her off, but she knew she was panicking and the one person who could reliably calm her down wasn’t there. _

_ She scrambled for her phone, laying on the nightstand next to her bed, and found Rowan’s contact as quick as she could with her trembling fingers. _

_ The line rang for a minute or so, and he didn’t answer, but she tried again, needing to at least hear his voice. _

_ He picked up on the third try, sounding sleepy as he mumbled a hello. Fair enough, it was the middle of the night. _

_ “Rowan _ ,”  _ she breathed into the phone, her shaky voice revealing her state. _

_ “ _ Aelin?”  _ he replied, his concern evident, “ _ What’s wrong?”  _ She took a few deep breaths, trying to calm herself, but she just let out a strangled sob instead. “ _ I’m coming over,”  _ he said, when she didn’t reply. _

_ “What _ ?’  _ she choked out, “It’s, like, 2 am.”  _

_ “ _ You need my help,”  _ he said simply, “ _ and my parents are asleep and I’m sure your uncle is too.”  _ Aelin didn’t know how to refute him. She  _ did  _ need his help. This happened to her fairly often, these anxiety attacks, or whatever you wanted to call them. It was usually over nothing, occasionally about her parents, but either way, the only one she wanted to be with during them was Rowan. After two years of dating, she knew he was the only one who brought her a semblance of comfort. _

_ So she muttered a teary “okay” into the phone, and he hung up, probably already racing out of his house. _

_ He only lived about five minutes away from her, so he would be there quickly, a fact that ran through her head.  _

_ Five minutes. He would be here in five minutes. She could last that long. Just five minutes. _

_ Aelin huddled back under her covers, trying to even out her breaths and sniffle back her tears, which wasn’t very effective due to how rapidly they were falling.  _

_ Her vision was fading a little bit, slightly black around the edges, and a raging headache was starting in the back of her head, so she closed her eyes tightly, trying to wait it out. _

_ A few minutes later, a knock at her window made her open her eyes again, shakily focusing on the figure of her boyfriend, standing outside. Sometimes she wished she lived in a bigger house, maybe one with a nicer backyard and a second story, but it was times like these that made her change her mind. Her first floor room made it much easier for Rowan to sneak in. _

_ Aelin pushed herself into a standing position, wobbly legs barely holding her, but she managed to make it to the window without collapsing, and unlocked it so he could push it open the rest of the way. _

_ The second there was enough space to squeeze through, he was darting inside, wrapping her in his arms as she sobbed. _

_ The pine and snow scent of him was what she focused on, narrowing her senses to just that to try and get a grip on her surroundings. _

_ When her legs eventually gave out, Rowan just scooped her up and carried her back to her bed, settling her on his lap as he leaned against the headboard. He brushed a warm hand down her hair, combing through it lightly, the feeling soothing her. _

_ “It’s okay, princess,” he said, “you’re going to be okay.” She sniffled and nodded a bit, and he tightened his hold, pressing her closer to him. _

_ She would always be okay if she was with him. _

_ Slowly, her tears receded and her vision cleared as he murmured sweet nothings into her ear. She nuzzled her head into his chest, and he tucked her hair behind her ear, leaning down to press a kiss to the top of her head. _

_ “Let’s get you some water, okay?” He said gently, helping her stand. She was still shaky, so he wrapped an arm around her waist, supporting her as they made their way into the kitchen.  _

_ Aelin sat in a chair at the dining table as Rowan filled up a cup of water from the sink, the light from the refrigerator the only thing illuminating the room. _

_ She curled up into a ball, her weak arms clutching each other tightly around her legs, as he sat down next to her, passing her the glass. _

_ But when she tried to pick it up, her trembling hands couldn’t grasp it and she ended up knocking it off the table, the water spilling out of it into a big puddle on the kitchen floor. _

_ “I’m sorry,” she whispered, conscious of Aedion and her uncle still asleep down the hall. _

_ Rowan just shook his head emphatically and grabbed the roll of paper towels, getting on his knees to clean up the mess. _

_ “Don’t ever apologize for this, Fireheart,” he said sincerely, and she knew he didn’t mean the water. _

_ As he was cleaning, she closed her eyes again, taking slow breaths to calm her racing heart, but she opened them when she felt a slight pressure on her hands, now returned to their prior position. _

_ Rowan wrapped both of them in his own, reducing the shaking with the light pressure of his touch, and gently pulled her to her feet. _

_ He moved one hand to rest around her waist, holding her close as he rested his chin on the top of her head, letting her press into the warmth of his chest. _

_ Then he began to sway, humming a quiet tune into her ear, the sound making the delicate hairs stick up. _

_ She nestled into his neck, pressing a light kiss there, and wrapped her free arm around his shoulder, holding him just as tight as he held her. _

_ They danced slowly, like they had all the time in the world. _

_ And soon, she felt clear again, her demons chased away by the boy in front of her. She was comforted by the fact that if she ever fell into the abyss, he would dive right in and pull her back to the light. _

~~~~~

Aelin shut the tap off, having filled up a glass of water, almost dropping it because of how unsteady her hand was.

But she took four deep breaths: five seconds in, five seconds out. And then took a few small sips of the water, focusing her attention on the feel of it going down her throat.

Any other noise was blocked as she limited her movement, trying to clear her mind and calm her racing heart.

And slowly she returned to normal, muscles pausing their shaking, her mind settling as the panic disappeared.

She set down the cup and braced her arms against the counter, dropping her head for a second. But then she looked in the window and stared at her reflection, looking deep into her turquoise eyes.

She didn’t recognize the woman staring back at her. This woman was tired, weak, not at all deserving of the name  _ Fireheart  _ she’d been granted by her mother all those years ago. This woman  _ had _ no fire, had no will or gumption. She felt like an empty shell, sucked free of the life and the joy she used to radiate.

She’d like to get back to who she was before everything got so bad, though she was still trying to find her way.

But she would do it alone.

She didn’t need anyone’s help anymore.

~~~~~

A few hours later, Aelin found herself standing outside the restaurant, trailing behind Lysandra and Aedion who were holding hands and leaning on each other.

She had been too harsh on him earlier, not that she had said anything out loud, but she shouldn’t have thought what she did. This was hitting him just as hard as her, if not more. An actual blood connection was a stronger bond, and she knew he was probably masking the depth of his grief for the sake of his fiancée.

But Aelin couldn’t help how she felt either. She had already lost her parents, it was natural that the same kind of loss again had her feeling defensive and territorial.

But here she stood, taking a lesson from Aedion and putting her grief aside for an evening.

After calming herself down in the kitchen earlier, Aelin had told Lysandra and Aedion that she would go with them to dinner, deciding it would be her first step in her self rediscovery. Putting herself back out there and not cowering in fear. Why should Rowan have any power over how she lived her life?

He had given up his influence when he tore her heart to shreds.

At least she didn’t look like as much of a mess as she was inside. The place they were eating,  _ The Staghorn,  _ was one of the nicer restaurants in town, so she had pulled out one of the only dresses she brought, a green one, not the black. Aelin had hung  _ that _ one up on the closet door when she unpacked, and it now stared at her with mocking eyes every time she stepped foot in the room.

But dressing wasn’t the hard part. The hard part was stepping inside, seeing all of her old friends and seeing Rowan. This was the place of their first date, all those years ago, and while that memory was prevalent in her mind, she didn’t begrudge her friends for choosing it. She was the only one who remembered or cared.

Aelin forced a smile as the three of them stepped into the restaurant, following the pair as they walked toward the back of the dim room, reaching a large table.

But her smile turned genuine for the first time in weeks when she saw everyone.

There was Elide, with her sweet smile and intelligent eyes, talking to Lorcan, who looked like stone when facing anyone else but had a softness to him when he looked at her. And next to him was Fenrys, a wicked gleam in his eyes as he laughed with his twin Connall, who was a subdued copy of his brother. Vaughan was relaxed in his chair across from Connall, glasses perched on his nose as he listened in on their conversation. And then there was Rowan. 

He was quiet, a small smile teasing his lips as he no doubt listened to his friends having fun. He was the first to notice their arrival, eyes immediately latching onto hers, skipping over Aedion and Lys. Both of their smiles disappeared as they stared at each other, tension flaring at the simple contact.

An unidentifiable emotion flashed across his face, and then he just dipped his head in acknowledgement before turning back to the group.

Aelin pursed her lips and moved to sit on the opposite side of the table from him, landing next to Elide and across from Aedion.

“Aelin!” said Elide, who immediately wrapped her arms around her, squeezing tight. Aelin just hugged her back.

“How have you been?” she continued, and Aelin shrugged, unsure of how to answer.

“I’ve been better,” she said, and Elide looked at her with understanding, “but I’ve also been worse,” she added with a bit of humor. Elide chuckled, but looked at her seriously.

“If you, or Aedion, ever need anyone to talk to,” she said with conviction, holding Aelin’s shoulders, “we’re all here for you guys.” Tears sprang to her eyes, but she sniffed them back quickly, smiling at her friend.

“Thank you,” she said, simple words conveying much more. But she quickly turned the conversation lighter, asking “so when did this happen?” Pointing at her and Lorcan, who had his arm wrapped around the back of her chair, “last I remember, he was still pining after you with unrequited love.”

Aelin waggled her eyebrows at Lorcan teasingly. Back in high school they had a bet of a frenemy situation going on, he was technically in their friend group but it was no secret that the two of them didn’t really like each other. Over time, though, they worked out their differences and now they were close, despite their different homes.

They stuck up for each other a lot of the time now too. They could insult the other, most of the time teasingly, but no one else could.

Lorcan rolled her eyes at her comment and Elide snorted.

“He finally won me over junior year of college,” she explained, “isn’t that right?” She said, turning around to look at her boyfriend. He just smiled and pressed a kiss to her lips.

Aelin glanced away quickly.

“Well I’m very happy for both of you,” she said honestly, looking down at her wine glass instead of at them.

But she couldn’t stop her eyes from drifting over to Rowan, almost as if she was doing it unconsciously, but averted them when she found him already looking at her.

An uncomfortable tight feeling rose in her stomach, and she took a sip of the wine someone had given her, distracting herself from his eyes.

Now that it was her second time seeing him, the weird tension between them had settled in, almost like a lit fuse connecting them, forever holding them together, but with only a matter of time before one of them caught flame.

The rest of the evening passed by in a flash, full of laughter with the twins, simple conversation with Vaughan, gossiping with Elide and by extension Lorcan, and reminiscing with Aedion and Lysandra. And silence with Rowan.

But that was to be expected. And it was what she wanted.

When everyone began departing, though, she hesitated.

“I’m going to walk home,” she said to Aedion and Lys, who looked at her with confusion, stopped outside of the restaurant doors, the cold night air seeping into all of their bones. “I want to enjoy the evening for a bit longer,” she explained, “get some fresh air.”

At that, Aedion smiled and nodded, understanding where her mind was going. Where  _ she  _ was going.

“We’ll see you at home, then,” he said, turning to offer a hand to Lysandra. 

Aelin stood there for a minute, smiling and waving goodbye at everyone as they got into their respective cars, promising to find another time to hang out before she left on Saturday. The day after the funeral.

When she was sure she was alone, she turned to walk down the sidewalk, feet going on autopilot as she followed the path to her favorite place in Doranelle.

The serene air filled her lungs as she walked, taking in the sight of the main street.

It wasn’t any different than she remembered, still small and old, no real effort being put in to update any of the storefronts.

Such a difference from Rifthold, which was all skyscrapers and modern architecture. She was never sure which one she preferred. When she first left Doranelle, she had been driven away only by heartache, not a real dislike of the place, but when she settled in Rifthold she couldn’t ever imagine going back.

Maybe it just became easier to find herself in a foreign world, nothing familiar. Nothing to remind her of her parents, of Rowan, of everyone and everything that had ever contributed to her being left behind. To the loneliness that creeped into her soul and threatened to smother her.

But this place never ceased to exist in her heart. It was a tiny little park, shoved practically behind the public library, tucked away where no one really looked for it.

It was her safe haven.

Whenever she wanted somewhere quiet, somewhere to relax, somewhere to go to escape living in a house with only boys, she’d come here.

Aedion knew about it only because he’d followed her one time. But he understood its significance.

There was only one person she’d taken here willingly, only one person she’d felt strongly enough about to share this little piece of her soul.

Aelin took a deep breath as she entered the park, heading toward the bench in the corner under the old oak tree. There were white wildflowers scattering the grassy area, and a small fountain in the middle of the small pathway. It was shaped like a swan and used to bubble water, but it must have stopped working in the years she’d been gone, as it was now dirty and slightly overgrown.

It was dark out, so the area was illuminated by an old fashioned street lamp, with the black molding and everything. She was sure it was original, the town was that old.

She sat down, looking out and remembering all of the other times she’d been here. It was a common occurrence to find her out here with a book she’d just checked out from the library, huddled up under a blanket on the bench if it was cold enough, simply enjoying the outdoors and the ambiance of the light street noise mixed with the sounds of nature around her.

She would go home in a little bit, she just wanted a chance to remember one good thing about being back in Doranelle. Instead of the death and the destruction being in the forefront of her mind, for once it was peace.

~~~~~

_ 9 years earlier / Age 15 _

_ “Come on,” Aelin said, pulling Rowan’s arm, “I want to show you something.” She chuckled a little nervously, worried he was going to think it was stupid, and she almost considered making something else up, but decided to just go through with it. _

_ She didn’t really think he would laugh at her. Despite having only been on one date with him, technically still on that date, she trusted him.  _

_ Aelin had known Rowan Whitethorn since pre-school, their parents’ both enrolling them in the only one in town. She didn’t really remember that much, but from stories she’d heard, they’d been friends. _

_ But then he had moved in early elementary school, his family uprooting to Fenharrow for reasons she didn’t really know, maybe something about his dad’s job?  _

_ At the beginning of this school year, though, he’d showed up at Doranelle High, a freshman newly returned to the city, by himself and without friends. _

_ So she had become one. _

_ Had said hi to him on the first day, introducing him to all of her friends, and he quickly melded with them, becoming a member of their group like he had always been there. _

_ Then, toward the second half of the year, her feelings started changing toward him. Aelin didn’t know what it was at first, but she knew she felt warm and flustered whenever he was close to her, she hated when he left, and she always felt safe with him near. She enjoyed having him around all the time, thought everything he said was funny, and then, what finally clued her in, was the twisting, uncomfortable and almost painful feeling she felt when she saw another girl from their grade trying to flirt with him. _

_ It was such a shock that she had unintentionally started distancing herself from him, trying to get a handle on her feelings, and because she was almost positive he didn’t feel the same way back.  _

_ Until last week, when he had questioned if she was okay, of course noticing that something was bothering her, which led to her spilling everything. And she was absolutely elated when he admitted he felt the same way. _

_ So here they were. He had taken her to  _ The Staghorn _. It was expensive, and she figured he had used his parents’ money considering he didn’t have a job, but according to him, he wanted to impress her on their first date. Aelin wasn’t about to complain. _

_ But despite her jitters when she first got dropped off, it had been easy being on a date with him. Natural, comfortable. She shouldn’t have expected anything different given how close they already were, but it was one of her first dates ever, so she didn’t really know how it was going to be. _

_ And now, having paid and left the restaurant, she didn’t want to go home. She didn’t want to leave him. Wanted their evening to continue on forever, a frozen moment of time where she could be happy instead of succumbing to all the other anxiety that plagued her life. _

_ So she decided to take him to her spot. To the little park behind the library. _

_ “Where are we going?” He asked, laughter in his voice and a radiant smile on his face. Aelin turned to look at him, still dragging him along almost at a run down the quiet street. _

_ “You’ll see,” she said, raising her eyebrows, “be patient,” she continued when he scoffed. _

_ A few minutes later they arrived, and Aelin’s own smile faded as she remembered her original hesitation at showing anyone this place. _

_ They were quiet for a moment, the autumn wind almost blowing her scarf off, before she turned to Rowan and attempted to look like she wasn’t about to fall apart inside from nerves. _

_ “This is my place,” she said simply, trying to keep her voice from shaking. Rowan looked at the small park, as if considering for a moment. _

_ “It’s beautiful,” he said finally, and it brought a blush to her cheeks. It wasn’t that much, just some trees dotted around, patches of flowers, an old bench that was almost rotting, and a small fountain. _

_ She did like the fountain. It was shaped like a swan, and the bubbling noise of the water spouting out always made her happy for some reason. _

_ Rowan looked at her again, and she stared into his green eyes, a real smile gracing her face. She reached out and grabbed his gloved hand with her own, still feeling the warmth of it through the fabric. _

_ But then she released it and walked further into the park, stopping by a tree and resting a hand against it. _

_ “I like to come here sometimes,” she said by way of explanation, “when Aedion’s being annoying, or when school gets to be too much, or when I get stressed out and need my own space to calm down, you know. I don’t really get that at home, so I come here.” She blushed again when she realized she was babbling slightly. But Rowan just walked over to her and leaned against the tree right next to her. _

_ “I get that,” he replied, “it’s peaceful here.” _

_ She ducked her head, a little embarrassed, but he just reached over and picked a leaf out of her hair, the close contact making her already red cheeks heat even more. _

_ And he stayed close this time, not retreating to his own tree, and twirled a piece of her golden hair around his finger. _

_ He was practically blocking her into the tree behind her, and all she could see was him, all she could smell was him. All she wanted was him. _

_ Her breath hitched as they both leaned in closer, her eyes flicking between his eyes and his mouth, inching closer to hers with every passing moment. _

_ When they finally touched, it was awkward. She didn’t know how much pressure to put, she actually almost missed his mouth entirely, not sure exactly how to aim, and it only lasted for a second, both of them unused to it and unsure what to do. _

_ But it still made her smile blindingly, and when she finally dared look up at him, he was smiling too. _

_ ~~~~~ _

“Aelin?” A familiar voice called, as if surprised to see her. It shook her out of her trance and she glanced quickly to the entrance of the park, face turning to stone as she made eye contact with Rowan. “What are you doing here?” He continued, and she scoffed. She should be asking  _ him _ that.

Rowan shook his head, as if clearing the shock from his system, and then eyed her a little nervously.

“Actually this works,” he said, “I wanted to talk to you.” She raised her eyebrows. “Can I come in?” 

“It’s a public park,” she said bitterly, “you don’t need my permission.” But a part of her was grateful for him asking, not wanting to push into her space without her being okay with it. She hated herself for it.

Rowan didn’t respond, and still hesitated, but walked in slowly when she nodded her head.

He sat on the bench next to her, perched on the edge like some sort of bird of prey.

She just hoped she didn’t become his next victim.

But he didn’t even look her way as he spoke, creating a disconnect despite his compassionate words.

“I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your loss,” he said softly, looking out across the park, “your uncle was a good man and I know this must be hard for you. And Aedion,” he said as an afterthought, as if  _ she  _ was his central focus.

Her eyes started watering and Aelin just sighed, dropping her head into her hands and dragging them down her face, trying to keep the tears at bay.

She didn’t want to cry in front of him. Not anymore. 

“Yes he was,” she replied, “and I’ll miss him every day.” Her voice faded into a whisper at the end, her throat tightening up with unshed sobs. She didn’t know why she admitted it, why she was spilling her feelings to him of all people, but it just felt right.

That’s when he looked at her, and the emotion in his green eyes almost broke her. There was his own sadness, sympathy, and something else she couldn’t quite pin down. She turned her head away too quickly to get a good reading.

“Do you remember that one time, _years_ ago,” he said with a slight chuckle, “I think it was sophomore year?” He ran a hand through his hair, and she finally looked back over at him cautiously, “your uncle needed to ask you something about dinner I think, but he found us making out in your room, and he chased me out of the house, yelling at me the whole way,” he laughed a little bit. “It was the only time I was scared of him. He was usually such a peaceful man, but gods he was terrifying in that moment.”

Aelin’s lips curled up.

“I got grounded for two weeks because of that,” she said with a choked laugh, “he was so mad at me. We were ‘too young to be engaging in that behavior’ or whatever. He even tried to give me the sex talk again after that, but I stopped him before he got too far.” 

She took a shuddering breath, tears welling up in her eyes and spilling down her cheeks.

“Aelin…” Rowan said, voice soft as if he wanted to comfort her. She just lifted her hands.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” she said, wiping her face, “it’s just a lot, you know. First my parents, and now this.” He hadn’t been in Doranelle when her parents died, but she had told him about it when they were dating. So he knew the pain she had felt.

“No one should have to go through this twice,” he said. 

“Three times,” she said weakly, and his brows furrowed in confusion, “I lost you, too,” she added.

It was his turn to look away.

Aelin sighed and looked back out across the park, taking note of all of the trees that remained unchanged through time, unlike herself, who had been used and abused by the passing years.

“We had our first kiss under that tree, do you remember that?” she asked, gesturing to the tall oak on the other side of the fountain, “It was my first one ever, and I looked up How To videos that night because I was just so excited to  _ finally  _ be kissing you and I wanted to do it right,” she laughed at herself, her foolish in love self, “and you asked me to officially be your girlfriend at the sweets store less than a mile from here. I was over the moon.”

Rowan just remained quiet.

“Our first date was at the restaurant we just left. Our first I Love You was in the library right behind here. Our first time was in your car in the back of the movie theater parking lot just down the road,” she expected there to be tears as she talked, but she just felt frozen, “This town is  _ completely  _ wrapped in memories of us, of  _ you _ , and I feel terrible, because  _ that’s  _ what kills me about being back. Not my uncle’s death, though that is crushing me, but not as much as thinking about what could’ve been while being bombarded with what had been.”

She shook her head, laughing humorlessly. Rowan’s face had that same unidentifiable emotion on his face, and he opened his mouth as if to reply, but closed it without saying anything.

Aelin stood up, wrapping her coat tight around herself. Without looking at him, she said “It meant the world to me, what we had,” she sighed, “I loved you so, so much. And you left.”

It was then, as she walked away, that she realized what emotion she had seen swirling in his eyes. It was  _ regret _ .

~~~~~~

_ 6 years ago / Age 18 _

_ Raucous laughter filled the house, coming from Aelin and Rowan’s mom, while the boy himself was frowning in the seat next to her. She leaned into his shoulder, pressing a quick kiss to it as she smiled. _

_ “Don’t pout, Ro,” she appeased, “you were a very cute toddler.” She couldn’t help her teasing grin, though, too overjoyed by the picture. It was a snapshot of 3 year old Rowan, absolutely covered in mud, smiling unrestrained next to some sort of hole he had dug. His cheeks were chubby and his little legs and arms were so tiny. Aelin thought it was adorable. _

_ “I don’t even know why we’re looking at this,” he sulked, crossing his arms like he was the toddler in the picture. _

_ “Aelin,” his mom called from her place on the other side of the kitchen counter, smiling mischievously, “do you want to see Rowan’s old Tee-ball pictures? I have a whole scrapbook.” _

_ Rowan groaned and dropped his head forward. _

_ “Of course I do, Mrs. Whitethorn,” she said, poking her boyfriend in the side, “that would be amazing.” She smiled just as mischievously at the woman as she walked away with a wink. _

_ Aelin dropped her head onto Rowan’s shoulder and made a hum of happiness. _

_ “We should make a scrapbook,” she said, and he lifted his arm, wrapping it around her and pulling her close and pressing a kiss to her hair, “I have a bunch of pictures from over the years.” _

_ “We can reminisce over our awkward freshman selves,” he said with a chuckle that rumbled through Aelin. But she made a sound of disbelief. _

_ “Excuse me,” she said, “I was never awkward.” She chuckled. _

_ “You’re right,” he accepted, “you were always the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.” She scoffed at his sappy words. _

_ “We can make one for college, too,” she said, turning to rest her chin on his shoulder so she could look up at him, “we could call it  _ Rowan and Aelin take on University of Mistward” _. She smiled at him and he smiled back, a contentment in his face that she knew was mirrored in hers. _

_ Senior year was over half way over, they had just gotten their acceptances for U of M, and neither of them could be any happier. It had been their plan for months to go there together, and now that it was actually happening, Aelin couldn’t wait. _

_ Mora Whitethorn came scuttling back in, carrying a thin book, and Aelin looked up in excitement, eagerly awaiting more childhood pictures of Rowan. _

_ He immediately frowned, turning back into a pouting baby, and she pinched his cheek. _

_ “Don’t be so mopey,” she said before turning back to the counter where his mom was opening the scrapbook. _

_ What greeted her was several pictures of five or so year old Rowan, dressed in his little tee ball uniform, carrying a little bat. And the best part were the glasses perched on his nose. _

_ “Aww, buzzard,” she teased, “you wore glasses? The kind with the sport strap and everything?” She laughed at his miserable expression, “what a little athlete.” _

_ “Oh he  _ ruled _ the field in his heyday,” his mom added in with mirth in her eyes, “it was a shame he ended his career so young.” _

_ Aelin smiled, delighted by Mrs. Whitethorn’s witty comments. His mom had adored Aelin the moment he started dating, and the feeling was mutual. Not having one of her own made her grow closer to the next best thing, but with how evil the two could get together, she knew Rowan regretted them ever meeting. _

_ “Gods,” he muttered, reaching over to shut the book, but she moved it out of his reach, flipping to the next page to reveal a group shot of the whole team. She was able to pick him out easily, his silvery hair just as bright then as it was now. _

_ Just as she was about to tease him further, her phone chimed with a text and she pulled it out of her pocket, cursing under her breath when she saw it was from Aedion, the words Where Are You? on the screen. _

_ “I have to go,” she said regretfully, “I forgot Aedion was visiting from college tonight. We have a surprise for my uncle planned, he doesn’t know he’s in town.” The words were addressed more toward Mrs Whitethorn than Rowan, as her boyfriend already knew about this whole scheme. _

_ She made a disappointed sound, but promised to find another time to embarrass Rowan, and Aelin quickly agreed before grabbing her stuff and rushing toward the front door, her boyfriend on her trail. _

_ “Oh wait! I left my scarf!” She said as she was halfway out the house. Rowan just scoffed with derision. _

_ “It’s the end of March, why do you even have a scarf?” But the judgmental words were paired with a fond smile and she just shook her head at him. _

_ “It went with my outfit, and it’s chilly enough outside to be acceptable.” She made to go back in to grab it, but he just shooed her out. _

_ “I’ll bring it to you next time I see you,” he said, leaning over to press a soft kiss to her lips before she rushed to her car, hopping in and driving home. _

_ ~~~~~~ _

A few days passed, full of laughter, love, and loneliness. There were no more Rowan sightings, which was a partial relief, but she still couldn’t help feeling out of place.

Aedion and Lysandra were great hosts, perfect to stay with, but their relationship and their baby made her feel like a third wheel. Which was completely unfair, but it was the truth.

Aelin just wished the next two days would be over with, so she could take the train back home to Rifthold and drown herself in work to forget about the clusterfuck that was her time in Doranelle. But it wasn’t like Rifthold was much better, with the tumultuous relationship between her, Chaol, and Dorian. Her own fault of course, for sleeping with both of them, trying to fill the emptiness that had been slowly driving through her soul the past few years.

In fact, the only place she truly felt at home anymore was with Rowan, which wasn’t fair to either of them. She couldn’t use him as a crutch anymore. He made her red with anger, made her want to burst into tears, but the thought of him still made her smile. She wanted to fall into his arms and push him away at the same time.

He broke up with her unexpectedly, leaving her crushed, but the years where they’d been together had been the happiest years of her life. Was the only period of time where she felt loved, felt safe, felt at home. Not to say that Aedion and her uncle didn’t love her, or her friends, but there was something special about the kind of love from someone wholly dedicated to you. Someone with your name on their heart, and theirs on yours, as if the universe itself wrote them.

And it seemed the universe etched his, for it was still there, as strong as before, marking him as the only one for her. No matter how much she tried to deny it.

The album her, Lysandra, and Aedion were looking at confirmed that truth as they flipped through the pictures. They had picked one out for the funeral tomorrow, having spent time looking through all of their old memories with their uncle. Now they were flipping through the section of their years in high school, laughing at all of them.

And in every single picture, if Aelin was there, then Rowan was too. With an arm around her shoulders, or with her back against his chest, or with his lips pressed against hers while the rest of their friends made faces of disgust.

Her smile was bright, as was his, as each snapshot conveyed how overjoyed they were to simply be in the other’s presence.

She still didn’t know why he decided that joy was no longer enough.

“Aww look at this one!” Said Lysandra from her seat next to her on the couch. Aelin looked down, following Lys’ point to the picture she was referencing.

She couldn’t help but aww in agreement. It was a group shot of all of them, from a hang out in junior year she believed.

Fenrys was making a stupid face, putting bunny ears behind Connall’s head. Vaughan was standing with a small smile, his arms crossed and his wire framed glasses slipping down his nose. Lorcan was frowning, eyes obviously wandering toward Elide standing next to him, with a bright smile on her face. Aedion and Lysandra had their arms wrapped around each other, soft smiles on both of them, the only other couple of the group. Except they had lasted.

And Aelin was on Rowan’s back, most likely having forced him to give her a piggyback ride, and her chin was on his head, a blinding smile on her face and a fond one on his.

“Look at us, so innocent,” her cousin chimed in, unaware of her inner turmoil, but the statement still made her chuckle.

Lysandra snorted, and said “I wouldn’t exactly call you innocent, even back then,” with a sly smile, and Aelin groaned, clapping a hand over her face.

“I do not want to hear that,” she said, and they both laughed at her.

“How do you think I got a baby in me?” Lys asked teasingly, and Aelin just shook her head.

“It’s not like you were any better, Aelin,” Aedion added in, “I’m still traumatized from when I walked in on you and Whitethorn that one time senior year.”

“That’s your own fault for not knocking,” she said defensively, “and at least you escaped us for our own senior year.” Aedion scoffed but didn’t reply. He’d gone off to college a year before most of them, having been in the grade ahead. He and Lys had started dating in high school but lasted long distance until she joined him at U of M, the nearest university. Aelin wished she could say the same.

She dropped her head onto Lysandra’s shoulder and sighed.

“Life’s changed a lot, hasn’t it,” she said, and Lysandra hummed an agreement but Aedion chuckled.

“The only one who’s changed is you, cousin,” the rest of us have been stuck in this time warp of a town,” the words sounded cynical but there was a fondness in his tone when he talked about Doranelle. But it still made her frown.

“Well that wasn’t of my own accord,” she said bitterly, and Aedion’s face fell.

“That’s not what I meant,” he began but Lysandra cut him off with a shake of her head.

“Gods you’re so callous,” she said with a huff, but Aelin lifted her head and stopped her.

“It’s really okay, Lys,” she said, “he’s right. I’m the only one whose life has really become too different from what they thought it would be.” She shrugged her shoulders and smiled sadly, but didn’t reply to the sympathetic looks she got from both parties.

When Lysandra groaned and pressed a hand to her stomach, both Aelin and Aedion looked over at her in alarm, and Aedion even rose out of his seat slightly, ever the attentive fiancé.

“Are you okay?” He asked, concern clear in his voice.

“Yeah,” Lysandra managed to say, “I just got really nauseous all of a sudden, I think I need to go lie down.”

Aedion was immediately there, helping her stand up. She rolled her eyes but let him, and Aelin watched them from the couch, marveling at how soft they were with each other.

But then Aedion’s eyes darted down to the stack of photo albums on the coffee table and cringed.

“Aelin,” he said guiltily, which made her narrow her eyes, “can I ask you a huge favor?”

She nodded her head cautiously.

“Some of these I borrowed from Rowan, and I told him I’d bring them back this evening, he’s weirdly possessive over them for some reason, but I don’t think I should leave now. Is there any way you would be willing to go do it?” He asked, but then immediately shook his head. “Nevermind, don’t worry about it, I’ll just go do it, you stay here.” But Aelin shook her own head.

“No, you stay with your pregnant fiancée,” she said matter of factly, “I can handle dropping these off.” He still looked hesitant so she continued. “Trust me, Aed, I’m fine. It’s been years.” She didn’t sound convincing to herself but apparently he bought it because he nodded in concession.

“Okay,” he agreed, “it’s the three on the top there,” he said with a nod. “He lives down at his parents old place, I’m assuming you know where.” She snorted, yes she did know where that was. She spent three years hanging around there as if she was it’s fourth resident.

“Where did his parents go?” Aelin asked, curious.

“They moved back out to Fenharrow when Rowan went there for college, and they signed the house over to him when he graduated,” Aedion said. Aelin tightened her lips but nodded. That was a sore spot for her.

“Okay,” she said, “I’ll be back quickly.”

~~~~~~

The walk up the driveway to the front door was the longest few steps she’d ever taken, but she steeled herself as she knocked on the familiar cream door, albums in the one hand as she rapped three times with the other.

It swung open to reveal a surprised Rowan, with a red plaid shirt on and a towel swung over his shoulder.

“Aelin,” He said in shock, “I wasn’t expecting you.”

“I’ve been tasked with returning these photo albums Aedion borrowed,” she said in an irreverent tone, holding them out for him to take, but he just stared, as if not registering what she said. She stared back, the moment tense as neither of them mentioned what happened the other night. The memory was coursing through her but she ignored it, slightly embarrassed at the confession she had made.

He shook his head to clear himself out of his daze and was reaching out to grab them when a timer went off from inside. He cursed and turned to go back to what she assumed was the kitchen, waving her inside with him.

Aelin followed awkwardly, taking in the house that she had spent so much time in. It remained practically the same, a few furniture pieces switched out. Instead of the comfy brown couch she had curled up on, it was a sleeker black leather one, which she knew was more of the man in front of her’s taste.

The kitchen was the same though, she thought as she wandered in there. The same quartz counters and white cabinets.

Rowan was at the oven, turning it off and using the towel to pull something delicious smelling out. Aelin just hovered in the entrance, not wanting to intrude further but still holding the photo albums.

“Do you mind putting those back for me?” He called out, “they go in the first drawer of the dresser in the old office.”

She nodded, even though he couldn’t see it, and made her way out to the hallway, stopping at the first door on the right.

That room used to be an office, like he said, with a wooden desk and bookshelves, but it looked like more of a storage room now, random incohesive pieces of furniture stacked about.

She went to the chipped, white dresser in the corner, about to open it when she heard another curse and a “wait!” from the kitchen.

Rushing footsteps came toward the room, but she just ignored it and opened the drawer anyway, about to set the albums down when she froze.

~~~~~

_ 6 years ago / Age 18 _

_ In hindsight, Aelin should’ve realized something was wrong. _

_ Rowan had been acting weird all week; not answering her calls, texting her back hours later, even blowing her off when she asked if he was okay. _

_ But that didn’t mean it hurt any less when it happened. _

_ Aelin practically ran up the front steps of Rowan’s house, eager because he had finally asked her to come over. _

_ She knocked three times and he opened the door, a tired smile on his face that had her frowning. But she refrained from commenting on it, instead moving past him when he opened the door wider to go sit down on the comfy couch in the living room. _

_ His parents were out shopping, according to him, so they had the house to themselves. _

_ She smiled at the thought of it, but it fell as Rowan came into the room, running a hand down his face and pacing instead of cuddling up next to her like he normally would do. _

_ “What’s wrong, Ro?” She questioned, feeling her own heart hurt. She always felt bad when he felt bad. _

_ He sighed _

_ “I got accepted to Fenharrow State,” he said softly and she smiled. _

_ “That’s amazing!” She said happily, he had been curious to see if they would accept him. It was a tough school and he was unsure if he would be good enough. Aelin knew he was but he was constantly doubting himself. He doubted himself over everything, never confident in his abilities. She wished he saw himself like she saw him: amazing and lovely and kind and smart and funny and just her definition of perfection. _

_ But when he frowned and looked down, her face faltered again. What was he concerned about? _

_ “I don’t think you understand,” he said without looking at her. _

_ “What don’t I understand?” She asked, furrowing her brows, “now you know they’ve recognized how awesome you are!” She knew there was something more he had to say, but she didn’t want to hear it. Didn’t want to hear those words that she suspected were coming. _

_ They were on the edge of the cliff, both of them knowing the drop was there but still safe on the rocks. And She didn’t want to fall. _

_ She hovered, hovered, getting closer and closer as he opened his mouth to speak. _

_ “I’ve enrolled there. I’m not going to Mistward.” _

_ The rock crumbled away from beneath her feet as she tumbled off, as he  _ pushed  _ her off. _

_ “Oh!” She exclaimed in surprise, digesting the information. Aelin never thought he was actually considering going there, she thought he had just wanted to see if he would get in. Rowan had actively told her he just wanted to see if he would get in. This was a shock. “Okay,” she continued, nodding her head and pursing her lips. _

_ Rowan just stood there, face like stone as he waited for her response. _

_ “Well,” she said shakily, trying to get her bearings, “that’s a plane ride away from UM but we can make it work.” Her head and heart were both scrambling, trying to make sense of the new situation. “And we have FaceTime and Snapchat and everything still. I - I didn’t apply to Fenharrow so that’s not an option but maybe there’s somewhere closer?”  _

_ Rowan shook his head, crushing her even more. It wouldn’t work. She couldn’t afford out of state tuition anyway. _

_ “No,” he said, a finality in his tone that had her shrinking into herself. _

_ “Yeah, it was a stupid idea,” she said, “but long distance will still work.” _

_ “No,” he repeated and she found her brows furrowing again, her stomach dropping with every passing second. Her hands started shaking and she clenched them together, fingernails digging into her palms. Tears stung her eyes and she blinked to keep them back. _

_ “What are you saying?” She said quietly, the words fading into a whisper as they got stuck in her throat. _

_ “This isn’t going to work.” His tone was flat and his eyes cold. _

_ “You’re joking right?” She said as a last ditch effort to keep her sanity. He had to be teasing her. He couldn’t be telling the truth. _

_ Time slowed down, drawing out her inevitable doom. _

_ “No, I’m not,” he said, “we’re through.” And her heart shattered. She tried to grasp the threads her soul was scrambling to keep a hold of. But she was already free falling and now her parachute was cut. _

_ She couldn’t stop the tears and the gasping sobs that spilled at just the thought of losing him, and now that it was a reality… _

_ Aelin stood and ran out the door, brushing past him as she desperately freed herself from his presence, something she never thought she would want. _

_ She barely made it to the side of his house before she was throwing up, the saltiness of her tears mixing with the vile taste left in her mouth. Her knees gave out and she collapsed in the grass, not caring about staining on her jeans, and bowed over, gut wrenching sobs forcing themselves out. _

_ She was sure he could hear her, sure the open front door was in range, but she just heard it softly close over the sound of her heart being ripped apart. _

_ This couldn’t be happening. This couldn’t be happening. _

_ Is this what dying felt like? Like she was being torn open, every cell in her body protesting, knowing this wasn’t right.  _ Because it wasn’t right.

_There was no world in which Rowan and Aelin_ _should be just Rowan and just Aelin._

_ She laid her head on the grass, curling into herself, and cried. _

_ ~~~~~ _

“What is this,” Aelin said calmly. Too calmly. Rowan skidded to a stop in the doorway, clutching the frame to slow himself down. His eyes were wide with apprehension.

“I - “ he started to say but stopped, and she clenched her jaw, still staring down at the drawer.

She grabbed the offending item, slowly lifting it up. And then let the yarn slide back through her hand, the scarf settling back into the drawer.  _ Her  _ scarf. From years ago. The one she had left here and didn’t get back because he broke up with her the next time they met.

“Why is it here,” she said in the same flat tone. Rowan looked away, as if embarrassed. Good, he  _ should  _ be embarrassed.

“I couldn’t bring myself to throw it away,” he muttered quietly. And suddenly she was angry.

“So you keep it here next to your photo albums, and what is this?” She grabbed the small pieces of paper next to it, “old dinner receipts? From our dates? like a goddamned shrine?” She hissed, flipping her head to glare at him.

He clenched his own jaw and stood his ground, so Aelin picked up the pink scarf and the receipts and shouldered past him back into the kitchen.

She shoved open the trash can and stuffed the scarf inside, crumpling the receipts and throwing them at Rowan when he appeared in the kitchen behind her.

She angrily tied a knot in the trash bag and was pulling it out when a hand on her arm stopped her.

Slight pressure from him pushed the bag back into the can and she knocked his hand off, standing up straight and turning to him.

“What?” She asked bitterly, “you couldn’t bring yourself to throw it away so I’m fucking doing it for you.” His eyes shuttered.

“What were you planning on doing with it anyway?” She continued viciously, “starting a collection of stuff from all of the girls’ whose hearts you break? Cause I hope I’m the only fucking one so no one else has to go through the  _ hell _ you put me through.”

Rowan started to open his mouth, but she interrupted him, flinging a hand in his direction.

“ _ No,”  _ she spit, “you don’t get to talk now. It’s my turn and you’re going to fucking listen.” She didn’t know where this was coming from. Neither did he from the shocked look on his face. But she guessed it was the six years of unresolved feelings she had toward him and their breakup.

Sure, Rowan had a reason for why he was calling it quits, he “didn’t want to do long distance”. But it seemed so sudden, so vague, that she never really understood.

“We were together for three years, Rowan,  _ three years.”  _ Her hands started shaking. “And you just left with a bullshit excuse of a reason. And that hurt. It fucking  _ sucked _ .”

This was so different from the frigid and drained ache she felt the other night. This was tense, like she was a power line, electricity switched on and flowing through her, her anger sparking with him as the only outlet.

“I didn’t go to Mistward,” she shook her head, “I don’t know if you ever knew that, if someone told you, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I went to some second rate school in Adarlan I applied to as a safety. Western Adarlan State. You should know it, you applied there with me.  _ Just in case.  _ Just in case our plan didn’t work out and we needed a back up. But you went and screwed up the plan of your own volition.”

Tears started spiking in her eyes, and Rowan stayed quiet, letting her vent as they stood in the kitchen.

“I - I don’t know Rowan. I just don’t know.” Aelin took a deep breath, hoping to calm her racing heart, but it just beat faster, her hands shaking more aggressively.

“I guess sometimes I just feel like those receipts on the floor, like you used and crumbled and tossed me aside,” she said, growing slightly hysterical, “but at least you bothered to keep those.”

Aelin dropped her head into her trembling hands and rested her elbows on the counter.

“I never wanted to hurt you,” he said quietly. His first words in a while.

“Then what did you want?” she replied, staring at the counter. But she looked up when he didn’t respond and saw him pursing his lips, hidden emotions swirling in the depths of his eyes. She just scoffed and shook her head. “Don’t bullshit me, Rowan. If you didn’t want to hurt me, then why did we break up? Why did you hightail it out of here, leaving me in the dust?” Her voice rose again and she tried to temper it. Calm. She needed to stay calm. Needed to patch up the dam to prevent the flood of anxiety threatening to pour.

“Did I do something wrong? Did I ask too much from you? Because I loved you; loved being in your heart, loved being around you, loved being  _ loved _ by you, and you threw it all away. You  _ left  _ me.” She said, and the shakiness strengthened with a vengeance. Her breathing became shallower and her vision started blackening around the edges.

_ Fuck. _

The tears stuck in her throat finally spilled onto her face and her arms bracing her on the counter gave out. She caught a glance of Rowan’s concerned face, but looked away.

Gods, she couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t get any air down. Her throat was tightening and she. Couldn’t. Breathe.

There was nothing to even focus on, just the darkness that threatened to sweep in, taking her and everything else with it. 

“Aelin,” she heard from beside her, barely registering it or the other words she knew someone was saying. It sounded like she was underwater, everything was all muffled and muddled and she just kept getting pulled deeper instead of swimming up to the surface. Her head hurt like crazy and she contemplated hitting it just to see if it would help.

Her legs collapsed, too shaky to hold her any longer, but instead of falling onto the cold tile she was scooped up in a pair of warm arms, bouncing lightly as the body attached to the arms moved.

She gasped for air, still only getting a little bit in, and barely felt herself being put down on a squishy surface. Tears clouded her vision, but she was pinned in place by a pair of green eyes, looking at her with such a seriousness that she felt compelled to watch.

“Hey, look at me. Just focus on me okay?” The pair of eyes said. Her hand was grasped by something and placed on a warm surface, moving as the surface expanded and contracted. “Just breathe with me. Can you do that?” The same voice said and she tried to respond, tried to say something, but didn’t have enough air to. “In and out. In and out.”

Aelin tried to copy the movement. Tried to breathe in and out. In and out. It was slow at first, her throat too tight with unshed sobs to take in enough air. But she eventually was able to, the green eyes almost  _ demanding _ she breathe, if only to make sure she was okay.

In and out. Expanding and contracting. She moved in time with the body under her hand.

Her headache still raged and her whole body was still weak and shaky, but she could breathe again and she could see again, enough to register that she was on the couch in the living room and that Rowan was kneeling in front of her, worry and determination clear in the green eyes that had kept her grounded.

“ _ Rowan, _ ” she breathed, and his face crumpled in relief.

“ _ Fireheart,”  _ he breathed back, wiping a hand down his face, “do you want me to get you some water?”

Aelin furrowed her brows, thinking still hard with the searing pain in her head, but eventually muttered a no.

“I think I just want to sleep,” she said weakly, her voice trailing into a whisper, and Rowan nodded.

“Okay,” he said gently, and stood up to help her lay against the couch cushions, grabbing a blanket and draping it over her body.

She opened her mouth to thank him, but a softer darkness overtook her and she closed her eyes.

~~~~~~

_ 6 years ago / Age 18 _

_ The tears lasted for days, and she holed herself up in her room, not letting Aedion, her uncle, or anyone in. _

_ After walking home alone that afternoon, shoving everything down for just a little bit, it hit her that that was what her life was going to be like from now on. _

_ No more lazy days with Rowan, no more walks to her park holding hands, no more kisses, no more I love you’s. It was all down the drain. _

_ And she didn’t understand. They were  _ good.  _ Had been good for a while. But maybe they lost step somewhere and she left him behind, or he veered in another direction entirely and she was too focused on moving forward that she didn’t notice he wasn’t there. _

_ Those were the thoughts that kept her in despair until almost a week later, when the tears just stopped. She became cold, became guarded, and it was different from the blinding pain, more like a dull ache that was constantly there, telling her something was missing. _

_ That was the day she finally left her room, finally talked to her family and her friends, finally started thinking about her new future. _

_ That was the day Rowan called and crumbled all of her progress as she dashed to pick up her phone and answer, desperately wishing he had changed his mind. _

_ When he told her he had dropped off some of her stuff outside, she hung up without answering and cried again. _

_ It took Aedion threatening to go beat him to finally get her to laugh, and it took Lysandra promising to go on a shopping spree with her to finally make her feel some semblance of happiness again. _

_ She had friends, she had family. She didn’t need him. _

_ But the crushing memory of him felt like a weight strapped to her shoulders, pushing her down every time she tried to gain some of her own ground. _

_ It would take a long time for her to be free of it. _

_ ~~~~~~ _

Aelin slowly returned to the waking world, surprised to see darkness instead of the soft early evening sunlight. Even more surprised to see a glass of water and a bowl of strawberries on the coffee table in front of her.

Not Aedion and Lysandra’s coffee table.  _ Rowan’s  _ coffee table.

She flicked her eyes around nervously, looking for a sign of the man himself, but came up short; so she gently pushed herself into a sitting position, reaching for the water to soothe her head. The soft blanket on her lap slid off her lap onto the floor.

Gods she was embarrassed. An attack that bad hadn’t happened in years, so of course it happened in front of him.

The strawberries looked inviting as well, so she snagged a few of those before a voice made her freeze.

“Oh! You’re awake,” came from Rowan, relief evident in his tone. He walked over to the living room and looked a little self conscious when he laid eyes on the food. “I didn’t know if you’d be hungry when you woke up, so I left some fruit. I also have some chicken leftover from dinner if you want something more substantial.” He raised his eyebrows in question and pointed back toward the kitchen.

She smiled weakly at him and shook her head. “I’m okay with this, thank you.” Aelin looked him in the eyes when she said the last part, hoping to convey what she really meant. She wasn’t thankful for the food, she was thankful for him helping her through the episode, grounding her and helping her calm down.

From his nod and reassuring smile, he understood.

Her cheeks heated and she looked back to the table, reaching for the water again.

“Are you feeling any better?” He asked hesitantly, as if not wanting to push but wanting to know.

“My head still hurts, and I’m tired, but I don’t feel as shaky or as breathless as before,” she answered honestly and he looked relieved. But his face fell when he saw her tight expression.

“I need to know, Rowan,” she said simply, “I need to know why.” They both knew what she was referring to. He huffed a sigh and plopped into the armchair next to the couch.

“You’re going to think it’s stupid,” he said, head dropped as he braced his arms against his legs. Aelin blinked.

“I would hope not, seeing as you broke up with me over it.” 

But Rowan shook his head.

“It  _ is  _ stupid, though,” he said, looking up at her, “and I have had six years to  _ hate _ myself because of it.” Her eyes widened at the intensity of his words.

His eyes darted away, staring at the blank TV, but she kept looking at him.

“Back in Fenharrow,” he started cautiously, “in seventh grade, I dated this girl for like a month or so. Her name was Lyria. It meant nothing. Just a stupid middle school relationship,” he took in a shaky breath, “but, I’m assuming you remember how weird I was acting the week before everything went down? How I was being cagey and not communicating?”

She nodded slowly. 

“I had just found out that Lyria was dead. Killed instantly in a car crash on the interstate.” Aelin couldn’t help her sharp intake of breath. Rowan chuckled humorlessly. “Gone. Just like that. And it’s awful, but I didn’t really care that it was her. Her death specifically didn’t mean much to me. I was so in love with you, so focused on you, that she was just a blip on the radar.”

He sniffed sharply.

“But the whole concept of it scared the  _ hell _ out of me,” he admitted, “the idea that someone could just be taken so quickly. Gone forever. It was my first real experience with death and it just got stuck in my head.” He furrowed his brows as if in disbelief of himself.

And finally, he looked over at her, her own eyes glued to him.

“And we were  _ so young _ ,” he continued, his voice tight, “we technically were adults, but what do 18 years old really know? We were clueless. Or at least I was, you had more brains than I ever did, and I don’t know. I just got scared of myself, of the future, of  _ life.”  _ It was a shock when she realized he was crying, silent tears spilling down his face.

“I got scared that you didn’t care about me the same way I cared for you, that you would realize I wasn’t good enough for you, scared that you would just die for no good reason, taken from me like Lyria was taken from the people who loved her,” Rowan wiped his eyes, “I don’t know what exactly it was, I can’t pinpoint the exact thought that made me do what I did. But I guess I just realized how impermanent life is, how unpredictable, and instead of scrambling for a hold on what I had, I just let it go.”

He let his hand fall back into his lap and balled it in a fist.

“Rowan -“ she started to say, not really knowing where it was going, but she didn’t have to worry because he cut her off.

“I  _ gave up _ ,” he said harshly, and he looked down, as if talking to himself, “and I have regretted that decision every  _ single _ day since I made it. I was such a fucking coward, and we both suffered because of it.”

Aelin felt her own tears sting her eyes, and didn’t stop them as they slid down her cheeks. Rowan leaned back in his chair and wiped his hands down his face, scrubbing like he could clear his emotions away.

She didn’t really know what to think. Didn’t know how to process this. Didn’t know what to say besides muttering an “I’m sorry” that he quickly shut down with a shake of his head.

“You should  _ never _ feel like you have to apologize for this,” he stated clearly, “I should be the one apologizing to you. And I am sorry. I am so damned sorry that I ruined what we had. I ruined my own life in the process, and for months afterward, years if I’m being honest, I’ve prayed to the gods that you move on and realize how much better you could do.”

Aelin bit her lip and looked down, steeling herself for what she was about to say.

“But I can’t do better,” she practically whispered. Rowan didn’t say anything, too ingrained in his own self doubt to believe what she said. So she had to convince him.

“I tried, you know,” she admitted, shrugging a shoulder, “a few times, actually, to move on. I dated a few guys in college, one guy named Sam I was with for about a year, but when he started talking about getting more serious, about marriage even, I froze up.” She furrowed her brows, remembering the moment. “It just felt  _ wrong, _ I don’t know. I cared about him, I know that, but the idea of being with him forever just made me feel sick, made me want to start crying for some reason, and he saw that and basically forced me to admit that I wasn’t as committed as he was.”

She sighed.

“It ended pretty quickly after that, and I just felt like I was wandering for a little bit, unsure of what direction I wanted my life to go in. I’ve been wandering for a while.” She dared a glance at him, but looked away when she saw his emotion filled eyes. It was too much to handle while trying to get her thoughts out.

“I mean, I’m settled in Rifthold, I have a good job and I’ve made some friends,” she continued nervously, almost babbling, “but I don’t know, it just feels like I’m lost. And I didn’t know the way back for a long time.” Aelin met his gaze again. “But I think I do now.”

They stared at each other, both reading what was left unsaid in the other’s eyes. Rowan was the first to look away.

“You don’t want to tie yourself back down to someone like me again,” he said, his insecurities clearly buckling down. She huffed a breath, annoyed at how little he thought of himself. Even when she thought she hated him, he was still one of the best people she’d ever known. He was smart, a very subtle funny that came out in the best of ways, he was caring,  _ so _ caring and compassionate and always helped her out when she didn’t even know she was struggling. He was constantly the bright spot in her day, always on her side and pushing her to be the best she could be. 

She still loved him. And she didn’t think it was possible for her to ever not.

“I do, though,” she said with a small chuckle, “of course I do.” Rowan smiled shyly at her and she smiled back.

And at that smile, the little crooked grin of his that was so familiar yet new at the same time, her cheeks heated and she found herself staring at his lips. Lips she had kissed before but longed to kiss again, wanting to know if they still tasted the same.

So she hesitantly stood up, walking over to him while nerves danced like crazy in her stomach.

He watched her as she perched herself in his lap, his own eyes darting to her lips as she leaned forward, their breaths intertwined.

But it was him who made the final move, pressing his mouth to hers gently. It was a soft kiss, and her eyes fluttered closed, relishing in the light feel of him.

They pulled back after a few seconds, resting their foreheads against each other, breathing in sync. His hands came to rest on her hips, hers moving to around his neck. It was a quiet moment, peaceful.

But she wanted  _ more.  _ After six years without him, she was desperate to touch him, taste him, be so close to him that their souls felt like one.

And it seemed he did too.

They crashed back into each other, lips pressed together with more fervor than before.

Her hands clutched the hair at the back of his neck, and his tightened on her hips, pulling her closer to him. She adjusted so she was straddling him, legs on either side of his so she could get even closer, the heat of him distracting her in the best of ways.

His tongue nudged against her bottom lip, and she parted for him, moving her mouth against his hungrily.

She couldn’t help the moan that slipped out at the feeling.

It seemed to snap something in him, and he wrapped his arms around her waist, pressing her against him as he stood up and moved quickly to the nearest wall. 

Aelin wrapped her legs around him and moaned again at the warmth of him pressing into her front.

His lips began traveling down her cheek, to her jaw, nipping slightly under her jawline before moving down her neck, sloppy, open mouthed kisses that had her clutching his shoulders and dropping her head back into the wall.

Heat pooled in her core and her breath hitched as his lips traveled down past her neck, trailing across her collarbones and toward the neckline of her sweater. His hands slid down her sides, caressing over her hips and down her thighs, then back up, brushing her chest before coming up to her shoulders.

“Gods, you’re so fucking beautiful,” he murmured into the skin of her chest, and she reached for the hem of her sweater, forcing him to retreat slightly as she pulled it off, leaving her in just her lacy bralette.

Rowan moaned slightly at the sight and dived back down, nipping at the revealed skin of her breasts, but she tugged on his hair to bring him back up, wanting his mouth on hers again.

He complied, and soon she was tugging his shirt off too, quickly feeling the heat of his skin. 

He ground his hips against hers slowly, and she sighed at the contact. There was still too much between them, too much fabric separating them from each other.

“I love you,” he murmured, and she tried to say it back, but was too lost in the sensations to think coherently. This was so different from their awkward fumblings in high school. If felt good then, but this was so much better, the familiarity of being with the person you loved while still experiencing it for the first time in years. They weren’t teenagers anymore, and it showed.

His words made her melt more, and she tugged on his arm, choking out the word “bedroom”. He slid his hands back down to her thighs and pulled her away from the wall, lips still connected as they traveled quickly to his room.

Rowan set her on the bed, and she pulled him down with her, wanting his weight pressing her further into the comforter. He followed, settling an arm on either side of her head as he connected their lips again.

This.  _ This  _ is what she wanted. What she needed.

Her world finally felt right again.

~~~~~

They were laying in bed, her head and hair sprawled across his bare chest while his hand gently combed through her golden locks. Her hand rested on his abdomen, and she drew little mindless circles, reveling in the calm moment.

She was content to stay there, but, there was something she was curious about.

“Why were you at the park the other night?” She propped her head up on her fist to stare up at him. “You seemed surprised to see me.”

Rowan twirled a piece of hair around his finger and smiled a little sheepishly. 

“Oh,” he said, “I’ve been going there a lot the past couple of years. Just somewhere for me to work things out in my head.” 

She smiled and rested her head back down.

“I’m glad.” She hummed a happy noise. “It’s like a piece of me has been here with you this whole time.”

His other hand came down to grasp hers, playing with her fingers.

“You never left, Fireheart.” She pulled his hand down and kissed his knuckles.

“I love you by the way,” she said softly. “I didn’t say it earlier, but I do. Never stopped.”

She scooted up a little bit to press a soft kiss to his lips, ending it quickly and cuddling into his side, her face resting in his neck and his arm around her waist.

And then she chuckled, which turned into a laugh, and he looked down at her, brows furrowed in amused confusion.

“What’s so funny?” He teased, smiling at her.

“Nothing really,” she giggled, “I just told Aedion I’d be back quickly and that obviously did not happen.” 

Rowan chuckled and then they both dissolved into uncontrolled laughter, every emotion from the evening spilling out.

“What do you think he thinks we’re doing?” He asked, a smirk on his face as he pulled her tighter to him. 

“Hmm,” she said, tapping her chin and making a show of considering, “probably either fucking or fighting. He can take his pick because we did both.”

He flicked her nose and she grinned.

“Smart ass.” She didn’t refute it, just raised her eyebrows.

“Am I wrong?” She asked, laughter tinging her voice again. He sighed but answered.

“No,” he conceded, not looking happy about it.

“Don’t pout,” she said, copying his frowny face and then leaning up to kiss it away. Then she settled back into the crook of his neck, throwing a leg over his waist and resting her hand on his chest.

His hand stroked up and down her back, lulling her into a sleepy state. Her eyes were fluttering closed when Rowan spoke again.

“Have you ever thought about going to a doctor?” He asked cautiously, “for the episodes you have?” 

Aelin stiffened, and he paused, giving her time to process. But when she didn’t reply, he kept going.

“I mean, you stopped breathing earlier. It scared the shit out of me. That didn’t used to happen, so I can tell it’s gotten worse.” She hid her face, but he gently grabbed her chin, nudging her to keep looking at him. “I’m not trying to force you to do something you’re not comfortable with, I just want what’s best for you.”

She sighed and fidgeted nervously.

“I probably should,” she answered quietly, “I’ve been managing them, but it’s hard.” 

Rowan pressed a kiss to her hair. “It can’t hurt to try.”

“You’re right.” She nodded into his skin. “I’ll make an appointment when I’m back in Rifthold.” It was his turn to stiffen, and she propped herself on her elbows, frowning down at him. But her face dropped when she realized what she said.  _ When I’m back in Riffhold.  _ Everything had happened so quickly, they hadn’t discussed what’s next.

“Rowan -“ she started, but he shook his head and smiled.

“We’ll worry about that after tomorrow.” She bit her lip at the reminder of tomorrow. The funeral. He must’ve seen the conflict on her face because he tucked her hair behind her ear and looked at her with love and concern in his eyes. “I’ll be there for you tomorrow, don’t forget. I’ll always be there for you.” 

Aelin laid back down and sighed softly, suddenly tired. It had to be late, and she had to be up early the next day.

“Sleep, Aelin,” Rowan murmured quietly, and she quickly fell back to the darkness.   
  


~~~~~~

_ 7 years ago / Age 17 _

_ Aelin stood in front of her mirror, fidgeting and staring at her appearance nervously. She flattened her hands over the skirt of her long, green dress, trying to smooth out the nonexistent wrinkles. _

_ It looked fine, she looked fine, but she was still nervous. It was her first prom and she wanted to look  _ perfect.

_ A soft knock on her door snapped her out of her haze, and she moved to open it, smiling at her uncle standing outside of her room. _

_ “You look beautiful, Aelin,” he said and she wrought her hands together, gnawing at her lip. _

_ “You think so?” She asked, looking back at her mirror to check her makeup.  _

_ “Of course,” he said, “you have your mother’s genes.” Aelin chuckled. He liked to pull that card a lot, how she looked identical to her mother and her mother’s sister, who was his late wife and Aedion’s mother. She had died in childbirth, long before Aelin’s parents, so Aelin herself had never known her. Just from stories. _

_ “Speaking of that,” he continued, and she realized then he was holding something behind his back, “I have something for you.” She raised her brows and gestured teasingly for him to continue. _

_ He brought a hand around to show her the necklace he was holding. It was gold, with an emerald pendant, and it was  _ beautiful.  _ Simplistic and classy, but had an elegant charm to it that caught the eye. And she knew who had that style. _

_ Her eyes filled with tears as he gestured for her to turn around so he could put it on her. _

_ “This was your mother’s,” he said, “as I think you know. I got it after the car crash and waited until you got older to give it to you.” _

_ When it was clipped she spun around and hugged him, catching him off guard.  _

_ “I’m proud of you, you know that right?” He said. “I’m so proud of the woman you’re becoming.” Her uncle was a pretty stoic guy, didn’t talk about emotions very often, but when he did, it always struck home. _

_ Aelin pulled back and wiped at her eyes carefully. _

_ “Gods, you’re going to make me ruin my makeup.” She laughed and he smiled at her. _

_ The doorbell ringing downstairs drew both of their attentions, and she darted to grab her phone and her clutch. _

_ “That’s Rowan!” She said, hurrying out the room. “I have to go!” _

_ “You remind that boy that he has me to deal with if he ever hurts you.” Aelin smiled and turned back to him for a second. _

_ “I will.” And then she leaned up and pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. “Thank you, Uncle Gavriel.” _

_ ~~~~~~ _

Aelin sighed and stared at her reflection as she sat at her old vanity table, steeling herself for the day ahead of her.

She had woken up in Rowan’s arms early that morning, simultaneously feeling like everything was going right and yet everything was crashing down.

Rowan had insisted on dropping her back off at Aedion and Lysandra’s, and they had taken one look at her dopey smile and burst into laughter. Good natured laughter, of course, and they admitted that they were so happy for her, and that they knew this was coming from a mile away. Aelin had just smiled shyly and said she was happy too. She had caught Lysandra wiping away a few tears after that and felt very vindicated, despite the pregnancy hormones that were probably raging at the moment.

But now that she was alone again, the events of the day weighed on her.

Was it wrong to be so happy the day of your uncle’s funeral? It felt wrong, but she also knew that her uncle would never want her to be sad.

Her makeup was soon finished, her hair washed and dried and styled, her black dress and cardigan forced on, heels slipped onto her feet, and now it was just her necklace.

Her mom’s necklace.

It wasn’t black or anything, and the emerald was a little bright for the occasion probably, but it was too important to her to pass up. And Uncle Gavriel had given it to her, so she felt a connection with him too every time she put it on.

She clipped it around her neck like a piece of armor and went downstairs to face the day.

~~~~~

The late morning air was sunny and breezy, almost stereotypically unfit a funeral, as she trudged behind Aedion and Lysandra toward the park where the ceremony was being held.

Not  _ her  _ park, this was a different one. The main park in town. It was much more open and bright, and had enough space for all of the people who wanted to come and honor her uncle.

It was close enough to walk, and Aelin was grateful for it as the fresh air gave her some time to breathe and soothe herself.

But when they reached the park, chairs set up and people milling around talking to each other quietly, Aedion pulled her aside, motioning for Lysandra to keep going.

When she stopped, Aedion pulled her in for a hug, holding her tight.

“How are you feeling, Aedion?” She asked, trying to comfort him with her touch. He sighed.

“About as well as you I suspect.” And she snorted a little.

“So not too well, then.”

“Apparently not.” They both chuckled.

“Let’s just get through this day. Remember him and try to move on.” She clutched him tight around the shoulders. He nodded into the top of her head.

“It’s what he would want,” Aedion whispered, and when she pulled back, she saw him sniff back some tears.

“Let’s go do this.” They fistbumped and he went off back to Lysandra, leaving Aelin to wander for a bit until she found Rowan, standing off to the side. His head was tilted upward like he was looking at something in the trees.

She bumped shoulders with him. “What ya looking at?” He smiled down at her.

“Nothing in particular. Just watching the birds.” She chuckled and he wrapped his arm around her waist, pulling her to him. “How are you feeling this morning?”

She smiled weakly and shrugged, but he saw through it, planting a kiss on the top of her hair.

“He’s not gone, you know,” he said, “he’ll still be there with you, and with Aedion.”

“That’s so cheesy, Ro.” But tears formed anyways, her first ones of the day. Rowan just smiled at the old nickname.

“But am I wrong?” He threw her words from the night before back at her. Aelin just shook her head and pressed it into his chest, sniffling.

She caught Elide’s eye from across the row of seats, and the other woman winked at the sight of her with Rowan. Aelin smiled shyly back. It seemed other people expected this long before she herself did.

“I love you,” she said quietly, and he murmured it back.

~~~~~~

The memorial ceremony itself was simple, a calm affair that was specifically designed for how her uncle would like it. Practically the whole town had come, everyone wanting to honor his memory.

Aelin had lasted through the whole thing, had gotten through most of it without tears, but when Aedion walked up to the stand, she knew that was about to change.

He adjusted the microphone and sighed before starting.

“My father, Gavriel Leon, was a kind man. He was peaceful, always had a soft smile for everyone who looked his way. Everyone in town can attest to that. He was private, didn’t necessarily like to talk very much, but he was someone to count on.” She saw quite a few people wiping their eyes around the crowd.

“For me and Aelin, he was a constant presence in our lives, always there to wrap up a skinned knee, was always someone to be a shoulder to cry on, to talk about whatever bad thing happened at school. Maybe he would jokingly complain about it, but he was always there.” Aelin chuckled a little bit, remembering fondly whenever he would frown teasingly about having to help her with math homework, always saying it was the last time and then giving in when she asked again the next day.

“I have to admit, when Aelin first moved in with us, I was annoyed at having to share such a cool dad.” Aedion laughed quietly and she dropped her head onto Rowan’s shoulder, scoffing. “But after I got used to her nine year old temper tantrums, she slotted into place in our family and now I couldn’t imagine how my life would’ve turned out without her in it, constantly bugging me  _ and  _ my dad. He definitely didn’t know how to deal with now having a girl, but he was always trying to do his best, constantly trying to keep up with problems he didn’t understand. He could fight in a war with the Akkadians, but he couldn’t pick out a homecoming dress.”

Her eyes started watering and she clutched her necklace.

“He’s ingrained in so many of our childhood memories, but there’s  _ so much  _ he’s going to miss out on now.” Aedion’s voice got tight, his eyes shining with unshed tears. “A heart attack. That’s what got him in the end. A heart attack, seemingly out of the blue. Not a stray bullet while serving, not a car crash like his in laws,” Aelin looked down and Rowan’s arm around her tightened. “No. It was a medical problem that he didn’t have a history for. Something unfortunately so common that it wasn’t even deemed a tragedy by the doctors.

“He’s never going to see his grandson be born, or be a part of his childhood while he grows up. He’s never going to be able to give Aelin away at her wedding, or see me marry Lysandra in a few months.” Both of them were fully crying now, Aedion almost choking up while trying to speak. “And it  _ sucks.  _ It sucks that this had to happen. That he had to be taken away from us like this. But while he would be honored by all of us showing up here to mourn him today, he would also tell us to spend this fine morning doing something better with our lives. He would stick a bandaid on this emotional wound and tell us to go keep playing.”

Aelin glanced up and saw Rowan wiping his face discreetly through her own veil of tears, and she reached up to squeeze his hand.

“And I guess that’s how we have to remember him,” Aedion continued, brushing a tear away and sniffing, “it sounds cliche but it’s true. Not as this dark cloud that haunts our memories of him, but as a candlelight that drew everyone back to town and to each other again. I mean, look at Aelin and Rowan!” She blushed as everyone’s eyes turned to them. “Who would've expected them to be together again after so long? Well, a lot of people actually, but that’s beside the point.” Some scattered chuckles came from around the crowd and Aelin managed to smile herself. “I guess what I’m trying to say is that we just have to look at the positives and not the negatives. Because that’s what he would want.” He took a breath and then left the stage after muttering a small thank you.

Aelin immediately stood up and went to him, wrapping him in a large hug, mourning together with him.

~~~~~~

A few seconds, minutes, hours later, Aelin found herself back in her park. Back on the little bench in the corner, next to the swan fountain that didn’t work.

The sound of a twig snapping drew her attention and she looked up to see Rowan walking toward her.

“This is familiar,” she said, trying for lightheartedness. He shook his head and smiled faintly.

“Hopefully you won’t run out on me this time.” He sat down next to her and she automatically leaned into him.

“Never again,” she replied simply. They sat in silence for a few moments, basking in the presence of the other, before she broke it. “I’m moving back to Doranelle.”

Rowan looked down at her, shock clear on his face.

“I’ve been thinking about it, and I think it’s the right choice.” Aelin tightened her sweater around herself, a breeze making her cold. “I thought I hated it here for so long, but I don’t think I ever really did, I just hated the memories associated with it.

“I’ve felt more at home here in the past week than I have for the past few years in Rifthold. And I don’t have much of a life there to uproot anyways.” She smiled teasingly. “Plus, you’re here, which is nice.”

“Just nice?” He mocked back at her.

“Yep.” He shook his head and she pressed a quick kiss to his lips. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Fireheart.” Rowan tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

“Let’s go out to eat tonight,” he asked when they were both settled again. She hummed an agreement.

“Where?” A small leaf fell from the tree above them and she watched it fall as Rowan contemplated his answer.

“The Staghorn?” He offered. “I know we were just there but there aren’t many restaurants around here.”

Aelin thought about it for a second, but shook her head.

“Let’s go somewhere different, a new place.” Her voice was eager and he looked at her with amusement. “It’s our second first date, it has to be somewhere special.”

“Our second first date huh?” She nodded and he leaned in to press a warm kiss to her neck.

“Yes, and I want it to be nice. We have years to make up for.” Her voice stuttered as he kissed across her jaw.

“How about we go back to my house and I’ll cook you something there?” Rowan punctuated his sentence with a kiss to her lips, and she smiled into it, almost  _ too _ happy.

And as they kissed, Aelin thought about what he confessed the night before, when explaining how he felt. And she found herself disagreeing. Yes, life was unpredictable, but it wasn’t always for the worse. Life shook you up, changing everything at once, and it was hard to work through, making it seem easier to just give up. But some things were worth it in the end.


End file.
